This is more of a trance than reading.
Forgive me.
I indulged.
Listening to myself.
The Moon Reversed
My childhood feels like The Moon card in Tarot – I was constantly looking for something, I wasn’t sure if it was myself, or something bigger than me. What is it? Maybe a cloud, or just some unspeakable shape, that’s covering something that I’m trying to see, trying to look closer at. But I cannot. It’s the weightless, offside vertigo feeling in a dream. Trying to wake up, but am I dreaming?
I felt the emptiness, the yearning. I can’t quite describe what I’m looking for, even now. I would cry, my mom would ask me what’s wrong, but I didn’t have an answer. She would get mad at me for crying. I learned to not show it.
I knew something was missing, something was off, but not quite sure what. The more I tried to reach for it, the less clear it became. I want to ask, but what is my question?
I tried looking for my answers outside, comparing my thoughts, feelings, with what I see. I observed people, looking at their faces, listening to their words. Do they also feel what I feel? Do they seem to suffer from this same cloud of struggle that I can’t quite explain? I don’t know.
Is it just me? Who am I? What ..
What is me?
Where am I trying to go?
Knight of Pentacles Reversed
Before bed every night, when I brush my teeth, I would open the window in our bathroom, stand on the edge of the tub, and yell – I’M GOING TO FLY AWAY.
I dreamed of flying all my life.
Sometimes just above the buildings, above the skyscrapers. Sometimes I went to the end of the world. It looks like a white sanded beach, glittering pink ocean, with a forever setting sun. At the very end there is a thin membrane, I got there and decided to go back. Sometimes I reached the edge of the universe, hovering on the tip of a star looking at another star. Sometimes I fly with arms flapping like birds. That’s the tiresome way. Sometimes I just soar. Floating maybe. Effortless. I prefer that. I never run in my dreams. I just lift, and glide.
Flying was my refuge.
That’s how I escaped the world. Escaped the question.
As I grew older, though, in my twenties, a glass ceiling appeared. No more endless ascending. I would try to find the cracks, to slip through. Sometimes it expands as I try to get out. Soon glass turned into brick ceilings. Soon overlapping buildings, one on top another, structures above structures. I couldn’t get out anymore.
In waking life, I was more grounded. Still, my manager tells me – why aren’t you as mature as our colleague who’s your age? She doesn’t mean ill, more of an endearing reproach from an elder sister.
I walk among people, pretending to be one of them. Pretending I know what I’m doing.
But, there’s this feeling, that’s still inside of me, even now, that I’m not ready.
I still don’t know why I am here. What I am looking for. What I am supposed to do. Take me back to school. Teach me. I need more knowledge. I need to learn more about the world.
On the other hand, if you ask my parents, my closest friends, my husband, they will say, she has the strongest will. She always does things her way. She always knows. She’s never unsure.
So, which is the truth?
What is the reality?
What is it I’m now standing on?
Justice
There are two levels of scale in the Justice card. The first one is the scale she holds in her hands. And then, there is her posture itself, a scale of her body.
The first scale is the inner scale. Its purpose is not to balance, but to inform.
What do you put on your scale?
Which side does the scale tip to?
Can you feel the weight that’s pulling you?
This level is observable when you are honest, centered, and self-aware.
For me, I’m aware now that my inner scale will always tip towards the self. I will always focus first on myself. I will always ask more questions about myself. Because I feel this intense lack of clarity about who I am. I cannot change this scale. Only observe it. Become aware of it.
The second scale is the outer scale – how we think, choose, and act, based on that inner scale. And it’s much harder to observe, or even realize this level of scale existed by ourselves.
This second level is the subconscious compensation act we make in response to the first scale. Someone who feels they are not attractive inside will always try harder to make themselves look beautiful on the outside. Someone who feels they are not strong enough inside will always attempt to display more power on the outside. Someone like me, who feels the idea, or image of self is elusive, will always compensate by acting more independently and willfully in order to observe the effect and understand the substance of themselves.
The effect of this level may not seem so obvious to us, but it usually is apparent to people who are close to us. This contradictory perception of reality can create some interesting problems.
On one hand, we are aware of our inner scale, and we do everything we can to try to balance that. And usually it’s an over-compensation behavior that is opposite to what we feel inwardly. On the other hand, people in our lives observe the expression of our outer scale, without really understanding the mechanisms of our inner scale. Confusion and friction follows:
“I’m not who they say I am.”
“This is not why I’m doing this.”
“How can you possibly think that about me?”
“The weak is the embodiment of the Way. Reversal is the movement of the Way.”
–––– Tao Te Ching
This is just how life works.
It’s very difficult to find true equilibrium and to know how to make the “right” decision. We can’t change the way we are, not our most innate, most intrinsic tendencies. That is the expression of life force that we incarnate here to embody. At the same time, our actions have an effect on the world and the people around us. And the other way around.
Life is a constant tipping and rebalancing of scales. Both inner and outer.
Tarot reminds us:
The path forward may always be unclear, unfamiliar.
You may always feel lost.
You may never truly know your way.
But, you will never go astray.
Because life itself is a balancing act.
Sometimes, stillness is what you need.
To be able to find your place on the scale.
And go from there.
